the wire

i was so tied up perfectly wound so that everything could be held in and never talked about and never come out pouring like an avalanche. so perfectly bound up in wire that cut my skin it was so tight that i'd never have to feel all this heaviness, all this pressure, i could just keep avoiding it, forever. i was writing J an email though and, oh god, it's happening again right now just thinking about him being so far away, have you ever had your best friend be so far away you can't even talk on the phone? don't. ever. it's the worst and if that person is your lifeline then you're fucked. i don't let people in, i don't let people see my heart, the hurt, the shit that's all down there deep stewing. that's why most people think i'm happy all the time because of the wire keeping me so bound up. something slipped while i was emailing J and it fell out, it all came bubbling up and pouring straight out of me and i can't stop it from coming i can't stop all this hurt from filling me straight up and out and i don't know how to fix it at all i don't know what to do to make it stop and i don't have anyone to talk to about it at all. i have no one to cry to because no one sees me cry except a few people and those people are unavailable. what have i done so wrong to push so many people out of my life? do i rely too heavily on them? is it because only a few people see the real me so it's like all of it at once not spread out amongst a bunch? is that what it is? I don't feel like myself at all but maybe this is part of the recovery period, maybe if i let myself feel all this shit all this hurting and pain and deal with it on my own then maybe i'll be free of it. there's just so much of it. so much bad. i don't know where to go here, where my comfort places could be, i haven't found them yet. i need to hide though in a place that is just for me. i need a hug, a really good hug and someone to cup my face in their palms and say, you'll be fine just fine, remember? remember the last time? how fine you were? you got this.


i just need a fucking hug.