holidaze

I wanted to give you your christmas present
her peeking face said over the corner of the door. I had forgotten tis the season and how to pick out gifts. It feels like Christmas has skipped me this year and all I want is a hug from my mom and to sit down with my dad and have a good conversation. I used to get so into it, I love making other people happy but it's hard to do when you're so preoccupied with you. I hate that I'm like that this year. I feel like I've been eaten alive by everything else in the world. My room is messier than it has ever been. I'm caught stuck behind this rock on this landslide of time and shit is moving fast around me. I am so completely out of sync with my thoughts and body and ideas. I haven't written productively in so long, I haven't created in months. it feels like years though. I don't feel like me. I want to stand alone outside at night while it snows, in a place that feels safe. like denison. I need to go to granville I think maybe. I need to just be in a place that doesn't make me feel so threatened. That makes me feel normal, or at least a little bit more like me.

I need something a little bit more familiar, something comfortable that I can just slide into seamlessly that will not hurt or pinch, something so my size. I think that's what home is. At least I hope it is.