List of things to remember

Assassinations:
-Yitzhak Rabin
-Kurt Cobain (maybe?)
-John Lennon

Yitzhak died of blood loss and a punctured lung in a hospital in Tel Aviv. Shot by Yigal Amir, an Israeli student. No gunpowder was found on Amir, and no blood was seen at the scene by witnesses but when Rabin arrived at the hospital he was described as "gushing blood." Some claim that Amir only had blanks, given the evidence that there was no gunpowder found on him or near the scene and no blood on scene. There is potential for speculation that Rabin was shot within his car on the way to the hospital - but by whom? Yigal Amir has been recorded in court stating: "If I were to tell the whole truth, the entire system would collapse. I know enough to destroy this country." He had been employed two years prior by the Shin Bet in Latvia. Shin Bet meaning approximately secret agent. The assassination has been blamed by a physician on the team on Shimon Peres as a conspiracy. Shimon Peres took over for Rabin as prime minister and later became President of Israel.

There are obvious connections here to the death of Cobain which has been speculated with conspiracy theories as well. Here is some descrepancy between the two though, Cobain died April 5th 1994, whereas Rabin died November 4th, 1995. This pair did not die in the same year as stated on the website that I previously found that tidbit. It doesn't have an effect now that I have found other threads but it is important for story-telling purposes. A quote from Cobain is "music comes first. lyrics come second." Potentially unimportant, but a good note. Something interesting that I hadn't realized about Cobain is that his works are often about important huge things, like rape, Francis Farmer in Seattle, women's rights, he was inspired to write "Polly" by a story in a paper of a young girl who was raped and tortured at a concert and managed to escape by flirting with her attacker. He tackled big things. Bob Dylan is quoted on Cobain saying "the kid has heart." Cobain is tied to artists like Plath, Caulfield and Burroughs among those who wrote about the world's betrayals. That's how I feel too often, that the world is betraying me and here I am in the middle of trying to push it aside and befriend the world because it's kind of all I have and hating it for betraying my trust. To love the world is the most intense romance one could have. It trusts, betrays, convinces and gains your trust, is reliable and breaks your heart. The world is pretty human.

I feel a kind of kinship in Coutney and Kurt, I know, I know, it doesn't seem likely, but I do. Here's why: they trusted the world and they wanted to see beauty in it, they wanted the underdog to win and when they found out that the world often kicks you on your ass and rubs your face in the mud they decided to say "to hell with it" and did whatever it was they wanted until he died and well, she's quite on her way isn't she? I too often feel trapped in the flux of wanting to believe in the world and live a long healthy life and treat myself well, and the other side of just living right now and doing what I want to do with my current time. I mean, what are we preserving ourselves for?! What is the point? We all die, it's just a matter of when and if you don't do what you want to do now, then you missed your chance and oops, don't get that back do you because time marches on. It's a frustrating angering thing this world and life and figuring out how to live it. I'm certainly not doing harm to myself, I'm certainly not on par with Love and Cobain that's for sure but should I not jump off a bridge for fear I might break something and I should want to live until I'm 80? Should I not sleep late and instead get up and run so I can live longer or do I languish in the deliciousness of late morning sunlight and the warmth of the bedsheets? And if it's just about a balance then where do I find the balance? How do I decide when to sleep in and when to run and do I have to be on a schedule? I kind of hate schedules.

I feel like I need some help with direction.

Back to the task at hand though:

Cobain's death: March 1994, Cobain was diagnosed with bronchitis and laryngitis then had what Love calls his first suicide attempt




---UGH done with the task at hand for now. crying in public places has become my forte. I am a whiny baby pants. I need a hug. and some freaking LEEWAY from someone. please? can I have some wiggle room? all I want is to hug my grandparents and sit in church of the advent on christmas eve while my sister ruins all the candles and causes problems in the pew. That's all I want. IS THAT SO HARD!? I hate you, graduated life.