I understand that the quest for new, original and hip music is an unending one that consumes quite a bit of listening time. But some serious time and merit should be devoted to those delightfully wonderful songs that you found at one time or another. Seriously, why did I stop listening to "You are the blood" by sufjan, or "Two Weeks" by grizzly bear? ForRealz. this shit is good and instead of cherishing it for a little longer I tossed it aside like wilted lettuce!
OHWELL COMEBACKTOMEBEAUTIFULMUSICTHATILOVE!
this weekend is denison's alumni weekend. my emotions are pretty effed up about it. i'm not too sure what to feel. obviously i am excited beyond belief to see my lurvely friends and laugh with them and get sloppy in brews, but i am also pretty nervous about arriving for the first time as an alum and experiencing something that once was my home and no longer is. OR is this the place that will always be my home? no matter how many other homes I grow out of? Is that the point?
OHWELL. that is my new motto. OHWELL. I am going to use it to remind myself that somethings are just completely beyond and out of my control and do not deserve worry, stress or thought beyond an initial recognition. It exists, it will happen and whatever the outcome is, I will attempt to make the best out of it. WHEW. self pep talks are draining sometimes, especially when you post them on the internet and realize that EVERYONE can see how littlebitoffyourrocker you are!
OHWELL!!
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Desires
I think my desires are rather simple, or at least they are simply defined, but perhaps among the most difficult to achieve:
Happiness
Someone with whom to share happiness
Maybe I have decided that it means one thing when in reality it means something else.
I just want to satisfy myself and not ever feel like I didn't live up to my own standards and potential. I think that would be happiness. and I want a buddy to cuddle and watch T.V. with, but that's what dogs are for, huh?
Happiness
Someone with whom to share happiness
Maybe I have decided that it means one thing when in reality it means something else.
I just want to satisfy myself and not ever feel like I didn't live up to my own standards and potential. I think that would be happiness. and I want a buddy to cuddle and watch T.V. with, but that's what dogs are for, huh?
Saturday, September 25, 2010
bored to death
I read an article that stated people who have more meaningful deep conversations lead happier lives. I think the inordinate amount of time I have spent conversing the mundane and shallow topics that I have, is directly correlating to my current mood.
I want to read meaningful poetry and I want to wander the enormous library until I find it and then I want to share it with friends.
I want to discuss this whole thing in Iran with the hikers with friends and the politics of their letting the female go but not the other two and the whole deal with the descrepancies between the president's ideals on the situation and the judicial body with which he has to deal and sway.
I want to discuss the potentially philosophical meaning of the song classic cars by bright eyes ... no matter how lame it might feel at the time. I want to sit on a moldy old couch in a windowless room and listen to music and share it with someone and postulate.
I think maybe I will never be satisfied, it is a scary thought.
Also I dislike Wilco. What of it.
I want to read meaningful poetry and I want to wander the enormous library until I find it and then I want to share it with friends.
I want to discuss this whole thing in Iran with the hikers with friends and the politics of their letting the female go but not the other two and the whole deal with the descrepancies between the president's ideals on the situation and the judicial body with which he has to deal and sway.
I want to discuss the potentially philosophical meaning of the song classic cars by bright eyes ... no matter how lame it might feel at the time. I want to sit on a moldy old couch in a windowless room and listen to music and share it with someone and postulate.
I think maybe I will never be satisfied, it is a scary thought.
Also I dislike Wilco. What of it.
Crutches
I am trying to rid myself of my crutches. especially since one has left for good anyway I figure it's a great sign to start in on the others. First step, identify crutches. Second step, ignore them like a boy you're crushing. Third step, forget about them until they beg you to take them back. Fourth step, instead of doing what you normally would ... finally giving in and allowing them back, walk in the other direction, don't look, I said don't look! And finally, feel better about yourself, realize the benefits you are reaping.
UGH I need to start writing some legit fiction, maybe if I let go of my hulu crutch that would happen. Instead I am producing this dribble. I am CRAVING an english paper right now, all I wanna do is hop up on my high horse with my thesis that I invented (probably not, nothing is really original) with my own support from the text (which I might have to manipulate with some elipses) and draw a brilliant conclusion about the moral standing of humanity and what 18th century british literature has to say about it (probably some bullshit that I came up with as I was drifting to sleep in the wee hours of morning).
I so badly want to learn. But what? I think I just want a liberal arts education all over again ... maybe. oh I don't know. Maybe English Lit? Social Work? Writing? I just want to learn. Hm ... maybe from now on, or at least until this craving ends, I'll only read non-fiction books. I've already started "The Whale" but I put it down in favor of a fictional tale, perhaps this is the moment to pick it back up again and learn about flukes and maguerites and how whales were put on display in the circus! (I made the last one up, lists look better in threes, don't they?)
Onward to finish reading Freedom by Jonathan Franzen before I can begin my adventure into the sanctum of knowledge that lies between the pages of Phillip Hoare's book!
One last thing - I've been getting these weird almost-fainting spells lately, if you know anything about it, let a girl know! WebMD is SCARY!
UGH I need to start writing some legit fiction, maybe if I let go of my hulu crutch that would happen. Instead I am producing this dribble. I am CRAVING an english paper right now, all I wanna do is hop up on my high horse with my thesis that I invented (probably not, nothing is really original) with my own support from the text (which I might have to manipulate with some elipses) and draw a brilliant conclusion about the moral standing of humanity and what 18th century british literature has to say about it (probably some bullshit that I came up with as I was drifting to sleep in the wee hours of morning).
I so badly want to learn. But what? I think I just want a liberal arts education all over again ... maybe. oh I don't know. Maybe English Lit? Social Work? Writing? I just want to learn. Hm ... maybe from now on, or at least until this craving ends, I'll only read non-fiction books. I've already started "The Whale" but I put it down in favor of a fictional tale, perhaps this is the moment to pick it back up again and learn about flukes and maguerites and how whales were put on display in the circus! (I made the last one up, lists look better in threes, don't they?)
Onward to finish reading Freedom by Jonathan Franzen before I can begin my adventure into the sanctum of knowledge that lies between the pages of Phillip Hoare's book!
One last thing - I've been getting these weird almost-fainting spells lately, if you know anything about it, let a girl know! WebMD is SCARY!
places i want to go this year
let's go on an adventure!
I want to go to California and Portland and Seattle, how about a northwest roadtrip!? EH? EH?
Also, I want to go to Vail and Las Vegas.
And Chicago.
Go places with me! Who needs jobs!? Who needs money!? I do! but ... I think I need travel too.
I want to go to California and Portland and Seattle, how about a northwest roadtrip!? EH? EH?
Also, I want to go to Vail and Las Vegas.
And Chicago.
Go places with me! Who needs jobs!? Who needs money!? I do! but ... I think I need travel too.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
BAM!
Please buckle your seatbelts and prepare for a bumpy ride, I am about to spew some deep knowledge on you.
Ready?
Parents are people too.
I know, you're probably sitting there holding your hair in your hands and tugging, your face has melted to the floor and your mouth is wide open "WHAAAAAAAAAA?"
Or maybe not.
But here's the thing, I knew this for a while but I really just realized it, like really realized it. My parents are real life people with just as many flaws, dreams and ambitions as I have! They lie! They get mad about stupid shit because somebody that morning cut them off on their drive to work! They laugh about teenage angst! They think they're funny sometimes! They read books, watch reality TV, grocery shop, attempt crossword puzzles, and sleep at night. It's true, they are people.
It's this really weird feeling realizing that parents don't just automatically become the best they could ever be once they find out they're pregnant. There is no "perfect" switch that gets flicked, making them into some admirable person who is always truthful and loving and happy. That doesn't happen. What does happen though, I think, is that they are set on a path to that person, like hyper drive, because who wants to be the crappy parent - no one I think. So they're climbing up this roller coaster steadily, but slowly, until they find out they are having a child and will soon be the reality of how people are for a little person, so they are sent flying down the coaster up and over and around, leaping through experiences and ideas trying to navigate it the best they can. So now they are fast tracked on their way to becoming this person that they may have only become when they were eighty but it's happening now, that they're forty, because they have a kid who looks at them like they can conquer anything so they feel like they have to make good on that promise and they try.
Before I become a parent I want to make sure I am completely, totally, absolutely honestly ready to become that better person. To give up selfishness, to give up on sleeping in, to give up on eating ice cream for breakfast, to give up on swearing at other drivers who cut me off, to give up laying around in bed all day some saturdays and watching movies, to give up on all the self indulgent things that I allow myself because if little tiny eyes are looking at me and saying "I'm hungry" "I need this" and I am the one who is capable of providing it, I need to be there and be available and be completely theirs. I think that's what it is, it's giving yourself to someone else, that's what parenthood is. Maybe.
Ready?
Parents are people too.
I know, you're probably sitting there holding your hair in your hands and tugging, your face has melted to the floor and your mouth is wide open "WHAAAAAAAAAA?"
Or maybe not.
But here's the thing, I knew this for a while but I really just realized it, like really realized it. My parents are real life people with just as many flaws, dreams and ambitions as I have! They lie! They get mad about stupid shit because somebody that morning cut them off on their drive to work! They laugh about teenage angst! They think they're funny sometimes! They read books, watch reality TV, grocery shop, attempt crossword puzzles, and sleep at night. It's true, they are people.
It's this really weird feeling realizing that parents don't just automatically become the best they could ever be once they find out they're pregnant. There is no "perfect" switch that gets flicked, making them into some admirable person who is always truthful and loving and happy. That doesn't happen. What does happen though, I think, is that they are set on a path to that person, like hyper drive, because who wants to be the crappy parent - no one I think. So they're climbing up this roller coaster steadily, but slowly, until they find out they are having a child and will soon be the reality of how people are for a little person, so they are sent flying down the coaster up and over and around, leaping through experiences and ideas trying to navigate it the best they can. So now they are fast tracked on their way to becoming this person that they may have only become when they were eighty but it's happening now, that they're forty, because they have a kid who looks at them like they can conquer anything so they feel like they have to make good on that promise and they try.
Before I become a parent I want to make sure I am completely, totally, absolutely honestly ready to become that better person. To give up selfishness, to give up on sleeping in, to give up on eating ice cream for breakfast, to give up on swearing at other drivers who cut me off, to give up laying around in bed all day some saturdays and watching movies, to give up on all the self indulgent things that I allow myself because if little tiny eyes are looking at me and saying "I'm hungry" "I need this" and I am the one who is capable of providing it, I need to be there and be available and be completely theirs. I think that's what it is, it's giving yourself to someone else, that's what parenthood is. Maybe.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Awakenings
I feel like I have been living with false assumptions and hopes for who people are. I have been unconscious sleep-walking through what people really are and who they are not, that my hopes and truly my beliefs are completely wrong and based on nothing more than my own assumptions. I can't tell what is wrong in this situation, I think it is me though since I did the assuming. No more.
Finally I am waking up. I am realizing that my hopes for how people are that my beliefs in how they might be are all wrong, untrue, and based in lies. I am hopeful, I see potential, maybe for my own benefit, probably for that, but also for the benefit for those people that I see that I don't think they can. But maybe that's it, maybe they see the potential and they don't want it. Maybe they like how they are. Maybe I am hurting only myself by living with these facades that I have painted across my perceptions because it is not the truth.
It has never been okay for me to not be alright. I was never allowed to hurt, irate, depressed, doing wrong to someone else and I always thought that was a rule imposed on me by other people. Now, I think I am waking up to the fact that I have imposed that rule upon myself. That's fine, but now I also need to wake up and realize that other people have not done that, they are not to resent for it, they are not targets of my anger for it, it is my own moral encoding that is to blame and I somehow created a structure for myself to live in. I feel so foolish for thinking up until this point that others were to blame/resent for my feelings of misunderstanding. I felt like no one heard me ever, but I wasn't even talking.
Now I have to figure out if I have spent too long being silent or if it's okay to start screaming (singing?) now.
This summer has been a very rocky ride for me. I felt like no one noticed. I hid though, hid in my room and hid behind going out, I smiled as I shut the door and cried in the car while I drove. It really is my own fault. Everything just felt like it crumbled down so swiftly. Things with Max were so wonderful with the impending knowledge that it would end. That feeling of complete despair, like nothing good could ever come out of so much hurt and pain especially if it was from letting go of someone who had been so good, taught me so much, smiled so often with me. Then I turned to Jake for solace, he has been my best friend since we were sixteen. It felt natural to turn to the person who knew everything, I didn't have to explain, I could just cry and be hurt and he didn't care why he just held my hand. That was nice. But out of that came so much hurt and confusion and I felt so lost, like I had opened myself up and compacted my own personality, wants and needs down into the depths and closed myself back up with a hardened cover. I didn't feel real anymore. And everything with Tamar all summer. I didn't know her well at all, we had hung out once or twice and I so enjoyed her presence. It was difficult for me when Jake told me she had passed. On top of all that I have the natural stress of where my life is right now, between school and the rest of my life, what do I do now? And the stress of an apartment, moving, jobs, school maybe, traveling. I didn't even have time to give creative thought room in my brain. Writing was my outlet for so long and then I eliminated it completely.
It is nice, really satisfying, to wake up and realize I have been the one inflicting the most pain on myself, because at least I can become cognizant of it and start to do something. I can choose to speak up, choose to not hide, choose to do what I want to do with my life, choose to not allow others opinions sway my decision making. I don't need to move to do that either I can do it right now right now.
It feels good to open my eyes.
Finally I am waking up. I am realizing that my hopes for how people are that my beliefs in how they might be are all wrong, untrue, and based in lies. I am hopeful, I see potential, maybe for my own benefit, probably for that, but also for the benefit for those people that I see that I don't think they can. But maybe that's it, maybe they see the potential and they don't want it. Maybe they like how they are. Maybe I am hurting only myself by living with these facades that I have painted across my perceptions because it is not the truth.
It has never been okay for me to not be alright. I was never allowed to hurt, irate, depressed, doing wrong to someone else and I always thought that was a rule imposed on me by other people. Now, I think I am waking up to the fact that I have imposed that rule upon myself. That's fine, but now I also need to wake up and realize that other people have not done that, they are not to resent for it, they are not targets of my anger for it, it is my own moral encoding that is to blame and I somehow created a structure for myself to live in. I feel so foolish for thinking up until this point that others were to blame/resent for my feelings of misunderstanding. I felt like no one heard me ever, but I wasn't even talking.
Now I have to figure out if I have spent too long being silent or if it's okay to start screaming (singing?) now.
This summer has been a very rocky ride for me. I felt like no one noticed. I hid though, hid in my room and hid behind going out, I smiled as I shut the door and cried in the car while I drove. It really is my own fault. Everything just felt like it crumbled down so swiftly. Things with Max were so wonderful with the impending knowledge that it would end. That feeling of complete despair, like nothing good could ever come out of so much hurt and pain especially if it was from letting go of someone who had been so good, taught me so much, smiled so often with me. Then I turned to Jake for solace, he has been my best friend since we were sixteen. It felt natural to turn to the person who knew everything, I didn't have to explain, I could just cry and be hurt and he didn't care why he just held my hand. That was nice. But out of that came so much hurt and confusion and I felt so lost, like I had opened myself up and compacted my own personality, wants and needs down into the depths and closed myself back up with a hardened cover. I didn't feel real anymore. And everything with Tamar all summer. I didn't know her well at all, we had hung out once or twice and I so enjoyed her presence. It was difficult for me when Jake told me she had passed. On top of all that I have the natural stress of where my life is right now, between school and the rest of my life, what do I do now? And the stress of an apartment, moving, jobs, school maybe, traveling. I didn't even have time to give creative thought room in my brain. Writing was my outlet for so long and then I eliminated it completely.
It is nice, really satisfying, to wake up and realize I have been the one inflicting the most pain on myself, because at least I can become cognizant of it and start to do something. I can choose to speak up, choose to not hide, choose to do what I want to do with my life, choose to not allow others opinions sway my decision making. I don't need to move to do that either I can do it right now right now.
It feels good to open my eyes.
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