Awakenings

I feel like I have been living with false assumptions and hopes for who people are. I have been unconscious sleep-walking through what people really are and who they are not, that my hopes and truly my beliefs are completely wrong and based on nothing more than my own assumptions. I can't tell what is wrong in this situation, I think it is me though since I did the assuming. No more.

Finally I am waking up. I am realizing that my hopes for how people are that my beliefs in how they might be are all wrong, untrue, and based in lies. I am hopeful, I see potential, maybe for my own benefit, probably for that, but also for the benefit for those people that I see that I don't think they can. But maybe that's it, maybe they see the potential and they don't want it. Maybe they like how they are. Maybe I am hurting only myself by living with these facades that I have painted across my perceptions because it is not the truth.

It has never been okay for me to not be alright. I was never allowed to hurt, irate, depressed, doing wrong to someone else and I always thought that was a rule imposed on me by other people. Now, I think I am waking up to the fact that I have imposed that rule upon myself. That's fine, but now I also need to wake up and realize that other people have not done that, they are not to resent for it, they are not targets of my anger for it, it is my own moral encoding that is to blame and I somehow created a structure for myself to live in. I feel so foolish for thinking up until this point that others were to blame/resent for my feelings of misunderstanding. I felt like no one heard me ever, but I wasn't even talking.

Now I have to figure out if I have spent too long being silent or if it's okay to start screaming (singing?) now.



This summer has been a very rocky ride for me. I felt like no one noticed. I hid though, hid in my room and hid behind going out, I smiled as I shut the door and cried in the car while I drove. It really is my own fault. Everything just felt like it crumbled down so swiftly. Things with Max were so wonderful with the impending knowledge that it would end. That feeling of complete despair, like nothing good could ever come out of so much hurt and pain especially if it was from letting go of someone who had been so good, taught me so much, smiled so often with me. Then I turned to Jake for solace, he has been my best friend since we were sixteen. It felt natural to turn to the person who knew everything, I didn't have to explain, I could just cry and be hurt and he didn't care why he just held my hand. That was nice. But out of that came so much hurt and confusion and I felt so lost, like I had opened myself up and compacted my own personality, wants and needs down into the depths and closed myself back up with a hardened cover. I didn't feel real anymore. And everything with Tamar all summer. I didn't know her well at all, we had hung out once or twice and I so enjoyed her presence. It was difficult for me when Jake told me she had passed. On top of all that I have the natural stress of where my life is right now, between school and the rest of my life, what do I do now? And the stress of an apartment, moving, jobs, school maybe, traveling. I didn't even have time to give creative thought room in my brain. Writing was my outlet for so long and then I eliminated it completely.

It is nice, really satisfying, to wake up and realize I have been the one inflicting the most pain on myself, because at least I can become cognizant of it and start to do something. I can choose to speak up, choose to not hide, choose to do what I want to do with my life, choose to not allow others opinions sway my decision making. I don't need to move to do that either I can do it right now right now.


It feels good to open my eyes.