things i miss

it's sad to say, but it's so so true. i miss the library. i miss the way it smells and the cozy lighting and the bright lights in the stacks, i miss it all. the library was reason numero uno why i chose denison. i miss it. i miss the people and the laughs and the silly faces as morning came closer. i miss all nighters and the stinky couch in the bullsheet office. i miss running into everyone i loved in one day. i miss that the most. i miss feeling so important even though i wasn't. i miss feeling like i had direction, like i was going somewhere. it's like someone just uprooted the rest of my tracks and i'm here at a stand-still. i need to write. i need to send my writing to be published. i need to sing in public. i'm going to find a band when i get to columbus. i need to do things that make me feel productive and as much as it may not follow other peoples' goals for me, productivity does not exist behind a desk in a flourescent-lit office for me. productivity may not be in helping others realize their goals right now for me, it may not be writing for a magazine or publishing, it may not be graphic design.

yesterday as i complained about how boring work was to my dad and how today i would have a twelve hour day because of this class i'm taking tonight he said "welcome to the working world". i cried. i know i'm lame, but i did because i refuse to believe that this is reality for me for the rest of my life. i absolutely refuse it. i am going to love what i do. i will. i am going to travel and not be locked into a 50- hour work week for the rest of my life in the same damn place and then settle down and pop out babies. that is not my life. and for someone who sees such wonderful things for my life to welcome me to 12 hour days doing shit work that i loathe ... i know he didn't mean it that way but i saw it as a way to wake myself up.

i'm going to be poor. i'm going to not be able to have the things i'm used to. i'm going to be hungry and i'm going to be cold and out of those places, the lowest deep down depths, there i will find myself. there i will strip away all the fluff that is masquerading as me right now and i will get to the core of myself and begin to write again and it will be brilliant and i will publish it. and i cannot do that if i am working a comfortable office job doing menial work that i do not care about. i do not want to live one day of my life doing something that i do not care about. passion is so vital to who i am.


there are a lot of things i miss. a lot of people i miss. if i could just get one day back to relive, just one winter day at denison, when it's snowing outside of the library, with hot coffee in my hand and a red hat on my head and smiles everywhere. contentment. that's what i miss, utter contentment. nothing was so hard i couldn't do it, nothing was so easy i was bored. everything was just right. and right now i feel simultaneously bored out of my mind and in a paralytic state because life is so looming and hard. all i want to do is play. and write. and hold hands. i just need to realize that i can do those things anywhere, not just at denison, i guess i'm mourning the loss of four years in one place that i grew to love deeply. even though we're supposed to move on to bigger better things, a period of grief is important.

the horizon is not too far.