deeplakesea

i want to look into you and say: "I'm sorry, this is who i am, i sabotage shit because i'm more afraid of commitment than you are and sometimes, no mostofthetime, i ruin really good things outoffearoftheunknown. I overreact. a lot. I exaggerate and I cry because I'm not sure how to deal with these feelings, this unknown thing, I hate the place where it's so unsure and unknown and I feel like there are things you owe me but there aren't at all, you owe me nothing, except occasionally a kiss, i'll take that, thanks. Look. i'm sorry. I am, I am really sorry. Here's the difference between dating for one month and dating for four, it's the same difference as "I won't sleep with other people" and "I don't want to sleep with other people." Are you starting to see where I'm coming from? I just wanted to know, I think I deserve to know, just to have a little heads up from you saying you were busy. That's it. I just needed an "I'll be busy later" and everything would be absolutely cool as a cucumber. I'm confused because it hurt me, and I care, and I feel stupid for caring and I don't think I should feel stupid for caring.
But I can't really say that to you right now because you don't want to talk to me, or rather I told you I didnt' want to talk to you and you are honoring that. Maybe giving me time to cool off. Why are you so level headed? Why are you so accepting? Maybe this time will be the time you aren't. Maybe I have ruined it. I think I've been trying to ruin it for a while now and you haven't let me. I think I have a problem with letting people get in, close to me, closer at least.

My heart hurts like it's been stretched apart and pulled until it can't take it, like taffy although unlike taffy my heart cannot pull forever with strain and no breakage. i am not elastic or flexible like that. it hurts. and it pulls. and i don't want to care, i never wanted to care this much, but here i am caring, and it feels stupid, i feel stupid, and i don't think i should feel stupid for caring at all.

crying would feel better. maybe.