here is the deepest secret nobody knows

It's so hard to figure out. We don't need to though. There are no rules, no set guidelines to how things should be. I'm pretty nervous, scared, worried, most of the time because I'm afraid I'll mess up or do something out of order or wrong. I should be applying to grad schools, studying for the GREs and taking them and I want to, I'd love to go back to school, it will just take more effort this time around and the thing too about it is that I'm good here, I'm settled, I feel like myself most of the time and I'm pretty happy I think. I don't know though. I don't know for sure. Here's one thing I really know for sure: I need to start taking a yoga class, at whatever cost, the benefits so severely outweigh the cost, it's important. I need to do that. The other thing is that I need to set aside time each day to write. No more waiting around and sitting. I know I keep saying that and talk is so easy, so cheap. It's more difficult to actually do it, to sit down and do it.

I'm scared, terrified really, of this whole big everything, all of it. I'm not even sure what it is, where I can gain some footing or grounding, it's just going and going and I don't hate it at all, I like it a lot and think it's pretty great but is it? I don't know, should I just keep on keeping on until something goes wrong? Is this it? Am i really at a point in my life where I'm concerned about being with the wrong person or being with someone and he not being the person, my person, and thus wasting time? I mean it's not even wasting time, that's dumb, it's the least waste of time, but the clock is ticking I guess. I don't know. This could be it. Maybe. There aren't any rules. I guess I have to keep reminding myself that. There is no right or wrong way to do it. There's just doing it.


I really want this:

here is the
deepest secret
nobody knows

i want it to peek out over the hem.

here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life.

I really really want a good conversation with a stranger. Maybe I'll go sit at cup o joe before work. Get some stranger time in. Do some handwriting. Read on my kindle. Maybe. Why not.