don't discount your dreams

quitting is going to europe for three months and that's not even quitting and you have the option to do that, don't tell yourself you don't, you can do that right now if you want to.

working a full time position and not saving people's kids is not quitting by any means. you've worked hard for a long time, take a break. you've earned it.

-thanks dad.

Morning grumps

Without even knowing it he has created a routine for me to get me writing again. To get into a routine for the first time in fact. And he mutters under his breath the whole time about it but that's because he has no idea how I benefit. We wake up at 5:30 and he says "I just got home and I have to go to work again? I need a new job" Every morning. "I need a new job." Every night. "I need a new job." We've been looking. Jobs are hard. This morning we got up, I told him I'd smother him so he'd suffocate and not have to go to work and as he said "do it" he kissed me and we sat up in bed. The streets are orange at that hour. Orange from snow and lights that reflect upon it, orange from left over drunken stumbles and smiles that turned into something else whether pursed lips or scowls. We get in the car and the whole time he grumbles "I need a new job" "is it really that temperature? It must be colder" Both of us bundled in our winter gear, I can't put my arms down, hardly. We park in the lot where I drop him off and he kisses me longer than usual this morning. Longer and slower like if he keeps kissing me he won't have to go to work, like I'm the line that will pull him from the water. I can only hope my existence for him will be that profound. So I kissed him longer and slower, harder, putting all my caring and good hopes into his mouth. I tell him to try to have a good day. He gets out of the car and starts his walk and I think to myself "I could have parked closer" but then if I had, would he have kissed me that way? "home" that's what he called my place. His things are in my car. I know it's hard but he's getting used to the idea, I think. The idea that I might not be the worst, that I might be good, that I might not hurt him the way he's been hurt before that maybe I've been hurt that way too and I know how rude it is to do to someone. I think he's getting used to the idea that I care a whole lot.

so here I am. taking advantage of this opportunity to write and get into a routine. I'm not sure what I want to do with my life ... I keep telling myself I'll tackle that problem later ... social work. I think. I think I know that much. how or when and if now or later is completely beyond me. This is not something I should deal with right now. Maybe tomorrow.

snow fall

all i'd like to do today is sit in bed and look at stuff online and contemplate what i should and should not spend money on and download new music and get cds so i can make people mixes and set up my idisk to back up my photos and daydream and watch movies.

yesterday was the best day off ever. monday funday. did nothing important and had so much fun doing it.

i think things are going really well. i feel good about it all.

death

i remember now
in my dream a good friend died.

maybe it was my past beliefs dying since she and i no longer talk? maybe it was my childish ways dying?


..... oh dreams why so elusive?

dreaming

last night i had this dream in one of my dream places, it's a pretty intricate dream place that i won't get into right now. it grew over time and revealed more to me and as i got older i realized that my dream places are connected. so I was in this one part of it that is really 3 parts and when I was younger it was scary but this dream was interesting because i wasn't younger in it and i wasn't scared, i was my current age and i wasn't trapped i was "just visiting." visiting my uncle, i think that's what it was. and it was an entirely new perspective on the whole place, not scary at all, i saw it like you see shadows when you're older, shadows you thought could swallow you when you were younger (am i the only one who actually believed that? wild imaginations). it was interesting and revealing and no longer scary to see things as they really are. it made me wonder if that's what I'm doing in my life right now. Seeing things as they really are rather than glossing over with a smile and saying it'll be great! you can't force people to want what they don't want even if you yourself are amazing. you can't force people to want something or to change or to be who you want them to be. that's a bad thing to admit, but it's true that i had done that. have done that. for quite some time. it's done now, time to be over with that. jealousy is an ugly animal.

there was something else but i don't remember it right now.

oh woe is me

I'm so down in the dumps it's stupid. I need some proactivity but instead I'd like to just fall asleep for a little while and avoid it.

I know the hand is there to catch me but I hate that I need it sometimes. I know you're there to help me out but I want to do it. I want to be able to do it and I can't. Do you know how frustrating that is? Do you know how frustrating it is to be this way, to feel this way, to have experienced the things I have and to have no one to lean on and talk to but myself? It's overwhelming and having to deal with your shit too makes it even more overwhelming. There are ways around being the go to person, everybody, even for yourself, said Buddy Wakefield but he forgot to include what those ways were and how to acquire them.

Just a year ago everything was so easy. There was so much hope. So much love and excitement. I was free a year ago, let J go and flew on by myself only to find someone else and here I find myself, alone alone alone. Maybe I'll start working on my book again. That might make me better.

Here's to hoping. Here's to shmucks and being one.

a little advice

here's what i'm gonna tell ya and you don't have to respond, just sit there and listen for a minute because this shit is important:

hope is for suckers.

reading in the park is better with someone else than alone.

sunshine is never as bright as you want it to be.

the grass is green no matter where you are you're just not looking at it right.

bon iver is for broken hearts and only for broken hearts.

promises are the worst and sometimes it's better to ignore everyone else.

being alone is lonely unless you like who you are.

you're bored because you're boring.

hope is for suckers. suckers who believe that they deserve good things and not to be hurt without realizing everyone gets hurt, everyone knows that pain.

let's drink wine tonight and laugh, not be sad at all, sit on the floor and talk about real shit and laugh just like we used to. oh i just need some fun i think. especially before the work week marathon begins, no day off for two weeks starts tomorrow. something's gotta give here doesn't it?