oh woe is me

I'm so down in the dumps it's stupid. I need some proactivity but instead I'd like to just fall asleep for a little while and avoid it.

I know the hand is there to catch me but I hate that I need it sometimes. I know you're there to help me out but I want to do it. I want to be able to do it and I can't. Do you know how frustrating that is? Do you know how frustrating it is to be this way, to feel this way, to have experienced the things I have and to have no one to lean on and talk to but myself? It's overwhelming and having to deal with your shit too makes it even more overwhelming. There are ways around being the go to person, everybody, even for yourself, said Buddy Wakefield but he forgot to include what those ways were and how to acquire them.

Just a year ago everything was so easy. There was so much hope. So much love and excitement. I was free a year ago, let J go and flew on by myself only to find someone else and here I find myself, alone alone alone. Maybe I'll start working on my book again. That might make me better.

Here's to hoping. Here's to shmucks and being one.