teaching

They looked at me, eyes big wild crumbs and full of challenge. I love that look. It pulls deep down from inside me, this string of information and the hardest answers to give. That forced feeding of information makes me feel alive. I prefer the older crowd's type of challenge though to that of a middle schooler, I have discovered. It is far too easy to believe the kids should listen to me simply because I am older. That's dumb. I knew it was dumb when I was their age and I don't blame them for thinking the same thing right now. I appreciate the way adults look at me, seeking knowledge and trusting what I say but also challenging me to give them the right answers and to take care of them. They rely in a way that is more demanding, less hopeless whereas the kids rely on me without knowing how or why or what for, all they know is they need a hug and to yell a whole bunch. Sometimes I'm all arms and ears and good words so it's okay, but I'm a person too. A person with a lot of shit going on. A person who is asked to transition from adult needs to child needs with no break for me in between because I need time to travel. A person with her own shit happening in both places and before and after and all around with barely any time for herself. A person who thinks that it is important to give as much of herself as possible. Why can't I keep doing both of these things? Why can't I keep giving myself to people and wearing myself out? Can't I just drink more coffee? Sleep a little less? Take time for myself at night once everyone is asleep and the snoring next to me has steadied so I can pull out my computer and write a little bit? When do I get a break? a hug? some time to yell?

Where's my shoulder? I guess I have two of my own. But both are weary. I have two ears and both are full, my head is aching and my eyes are closing, it's barely evening. My heart is exhausted and my energy zapped. I've spent too long expending it.