and here i find myself

hiding between the rock and the hard place, or rather the pillow and the smile. no, that's not right. between the grass and the ocean? the shell and the fish? one stagnant, one moving; one soft, one depthful; one mobile, one - a hard place. Here I have found myself and I am fairly positive I have belayed myself into this position. It doesn't hurt for me, doesn't feel uncomfortable most of the time, and I'm fairly certain that most of the time it is good albeit confusing. Here I am, regardless. The mobility of things around me and the potential mobility of people around me causes my legs to either remain stagnant or do that thing like in cartoons - they wind around in circles as though I'm running fast but I'm really not going anywhere just using a lot of energy. I make a lot of noise. I've realized that I require opinions and advice and aid in my decision making. I'm going to stop that. I need to meditate more and quiet the voices, here only mine and feel the truthful answer of what I really want. I need to hear that resonating and telling me what I should do rather than accepting everyone's opinions as a compilation of "life answers: the greatest hits." The water keeps rising and their answers don't help it lower any but when I hit a moment of clarity my lips are able to purse above that salted wave and suck in a bit more air. The goal is to find a rock to perch on. Then, to make that rock a sail and ride it through the rest of my life on my decisions.

Things I'd like to do in some sort of time frame that is at this moment indiscernible:
-travel a whole hell of a lot, before children, before a husband, on my own, and then with those people because traveling is good with love
-have one more really truly passionate great immense love (who are we kidding, probably more than one)
-find the path that will lead to the rest of ever
-FINISH THAT BOOK. THEN START A NEW ONE. SEND IT OUT TO PUBLISHERS.SERIOUSLY.NOW.
-be published. in anything. see my name on a page that is not one i printed.
-continue to allow my heart to guide me, it's been doing a pretty good job so far
-realize when i need to take a break. and take it. it's okay to slack off.
-look up at the stars more often, they're pretty great.
-make more friends, more real friendships, and hold onto them.
-eat more oatmeal
-less skittles ...
-learn to decorate like an adult
-find a job that will give me money to decorate like an adult
-find a job that will pay enough in money and passion
-learn when enough is enough
-learn that i can't save everyone. no matter how hard i try and that saving myself isn't selfish.
-cuddle more during the day.
-think about growing my hair out, decide i don't want to and cut it even shorter.
-get more tattoos, i know mom, i know, but i like them.
-do the things i wanted to when i was 10 years old. (find that list)

there are far more things I'd like to do but i think i can accomplish many of these this year and I have to go get ready for work. Yesterday I didn't want to leave to go to my other job. It's hard. It's hard to be responsible for people other than me. I don't want to be dishonorable but I just don't know if I can do it anymore. I'm not sure at all.