lakes

"What is it about being submerged in water that's so alluring?" you asked me while slipping down into your lake-blanket until you had a hood. You looked like a fish under the surface, your eyes like glossed pebbles rippled in the sunlight's reflection. As you resurfaced I clamored in the back of my mind for an answer to give you.
"I think it's something having to do with the womb. Like how we were submerged in that goop stuff for nine months so we crave it?" I feel uneasy around you, like walking in light-up sneakers again after three hours of roller skating at Johnny's birthday party in fifth grade.

"Goop, gross." And you dunked yourself again in a crystal layer. When you come back up it drips off your skin like melted wax rolling down a candle. Coated in the lake, you glisten. Skin so dewey I could drink you.




...i was thinking about lakes and swimming and felt like playing with character androgyny

vintagemagictrunk

if only i owned a magic trunk full of amazing clothes that i could just jump into and pop out all dressed and adorable. if only. if only.

i need to go through my closet soon. let me know if you need any dresses, i'm sure to be getting rid of quite a few.

TUT

Dear Universe,

You've been sending me e-mails recently, well, every day for a couple months now. I feel rude because I haven't sent one back yet. Here's the thing, I'm not so sure how to contact you, there's no reply address on the email. So what I've decided to do is to just write this out and send it to the great expanse, the world wide web. The thing that really rattles me though is what if you don't get it because clearly you are not part of the world? Being larger than the world, will you get it?

Oh, conundrum. Here's what I'd like to send out to you though universe: I really appreciate the amazing people you've led me to lately and the incredible opportunities. I really really really appreciate the affirmation that writing is not a hobby for me, it is something I can really do. I love that I have a great job with great people, thanks for putting me here to get to it. And thank you for the things I think are bad too, the things that hurt and make me mad because I think I'm stronger now.

Can I ask you for a few things now? I'm going to put my desires out to you in hopes that they will happen, you know this law of attraction thing? I'd really love to live in a great apartment in a great location by myself, I really want to find something good. I know patience is a virtue, I just don't possess much of it. It's better to be honest right? A full time job would also be incredible so I can easily pay for said apartment. I know money isn't happiness but money makes things easier sometimes and right now easy would be good. Maybe help me fix my schedule? I'm panicking about it even though I know I shouldn't.

Oh well. Thanks for everything universe, you've been pretty great to me so far. Much appreciated.

best present at present

the best gift i ever could or have received is my mother's pride. knowing she's bursting with it, about me, and telling her friends with a puffed chest makes me the happiest. it's better than any piece or token bought. feeling like i have made them happy, proud, fulfilled their beliefs in me, it makes me feel like i did my job as daughter. providing the truth to their ruthless and soaring belief in me, that i can do everything i dream of doing. i'm pretty lucky to have parents that are behind me and lift me up so much. they really are my biggest fans and cheerleaders as cliche as that cliche is, it's true. i'm sorry it has taken me until now to realize how lucky i am. is it weird that my family has become my team, my best friends?

"love love is going to lead you by the hand." love has always led me by the hand, gave me the nudge and courage and then the push out to do it, and the backing off so i can do it myself and the proud happy voice on the other end of the phone saying "i knew you could. I've known you're great all along, now other people will know too."

making them happy makes me happy

published

Guess who's gonna be published!? This girl. a local Columbus magazine is doing a feature on me, with a bio and photo and everything ... eeps! I'll be sure to grab a bunch once it comes out to show off my fame, of course.

I'm on cloud 9 right now. nothing can ruin my day. Seriously, I put one email out there into the world, made a new friend, am getting published and have potential freelance jobs opening up to me.

The world is my oyster, I'm the pearl. Who says you can't call yourself a princess? Now I need to go break the news to my kiddies that I'll be leaving in two weeks and sticking around to do community circle. I think they'll take it alright. I hope. Kids are resilient right?

It doesn't even matter. I can barely feel my limbs I'm so excited - yeah, I know right? Ridiculous but true. I'm all tingly and in love. I forgot about it, this feeling, this love love love of writing. I keep ignoring it but the point is it's part of me so deep, it's in my veins, and if something comes that easily to you, is such a challenge at the same time, why stop that love affair? Why call it quits because one of you can't commit all the time? Isn't the chase the best part? I've been chasing writing since I was seven and I'm not bored yet, I don't think I'll ever be.

Hello, Filigree, hello new friend, and opportunities. Hello life that I always knew I could have.

teaching

They looked at me, eyes big wild crumbs and full of challenge. I love that look. It pulls deep down from inside me, this string of information and the hardest answers to give. That forced feeding of information makes me feel alive. I prefer the older crowd's type of challenge though to that of a middle schooler, I have discovered. It is far too easy to believe the kids should listen to me simply because I am older. That's dumb. I knew it was dumb when I was their age and I don't blame them for thinking the same thing right now. I appreciate the way adults look at me, seeking knowledge and trusting what I say but also challenging me to give them the right answers and to take care of them. They rely in a way that is more demanding, less hopeless whereas the kids rely on me without knowing how or why or what for, all they know is they need a hug and to yell a whole bunch. Sometimes I'm all arms and ears and good words so it's okay, but I'm a person too. A person with a lot of shit going on. A person who is asked to transition from adult needs to child needs with no break for me in between because I need time to travel. A person with her own shit happening in both places and before and after and all around with barely any time for herself. A person who thinks that it is important to give as much of herself as possible. Why can't I keep doing both of these things? Why can't I keep giving myself to people and wearing myself out? Can't I just drink more coffee? Sleep a little less? Take time for myself at night once everyone is asleep and the snoring next to me has steadied so I can pull out my computer and write a little bit? When do I get a break? a hug? some time to yell?

Where's my shoulder? I guess I have two of my own. But both are weary. I have two ears and both are full, my head is aching and my eyes are closing, it's barely evening. My heart is exhausted and my energy zapped. I've spent too long expending it.

sometimes i get sad

sometimes i get sad, too sad. sometimes i get really angry and make things up and i get confused and think my brain doesn't work right because sometimes i think i don't know who i am. maybe i have just forgotten though. i have this obsession with knowing who i am and i think i need to take a break from all that thinking about it and just feel it. i am who i am. nothing more nothing less. i am who i am and how i am and it's right and good and perfect because it's all i've got. i'm not hurting anyone with how i am, at least i don't think i am and i hope i'm not. i have people who care about me and like who i am. i can always be better but i think i'm doing a good job right now.

more action though. definitely more action. i need to stand up a bit more. sit down a lot less. and do some shit. i need to spend more time alone i think. i really know that actually. i do need more time alone.