This

I wish I had thought of this.


http://www.iwrotethisforyou.me/






I AM SO FRUSTRATED.

Here's the thing

This is how it works. Find a way to be happy, hold onto it until it no longer makes you happy.


Does it really make sense to turn your back on something that makes you happy if it's not harming you?

Here's the thing, I don't want to care but I can't help it. It was always something I just couldn't help, something that was inevitable and beyond my control.


Just tell me why it makes sense to not be happy when the solution is staring you in the eyeball while you sleep at night ... hmmmmmm?

It's Business Time

"It's business it's business time"

you know, that song from Flight of the Concords? Well it's about this guy not having sex with his girlfriend and knowing it's not going to happen once she puts her socks and big tshirt on.

I feel like I did that to my creativity. I put on my business skirt and started thinking in that way that will most likely get me a job and in lieu of all that I completely stopped my creativity from flowing. I created a business- dam for my artistic outlook and now look where it's gotten me, following all the stupid business rules to try to get a job and a little miserable because the whimsy has exited out of my life. I didn't purchase bubbles the other day because it was in irresponsible purchase ... WHO AM I!? Isn't that the point!? When are bubbles ever considered a responsible purchase?

I have lost who I am in the world of jobs and careers. I'm going to get that back starting today. Instead of going to work I am going to do things that nourish me, and then once I find a job I'm going to make sure to take time to do the same and not get sucked into the life-eating world of money money money.

I need to write. It hit me again when I was watching the Emmys and Jane Lynch gave her speech saying "We're actors because we have no choice" that's how it is with writing. A professor said that once too, why are you a writer - no one ever says it's because I'll make tons of money doing it, it's because we have no choice but to write. There is something screaming down inside me waiting to get out and I don't even have to figure it out first before I write it, I just do it and then it goes.

Which reminds me of a strange dream I had last night about telling someone that everything in literature is there for a reason, nothing is fluff or filler.

Regardless, I'm done being so business minded it has not served me well. not at all.

My secret

Sometimes when I'm lying in bed I become afraid to fall asleep like I always do because of the dark and the noises and it makes me think about how when I'm with you I'm not afraid to do anything. Anything. You made me not afraid to be myself. And I miss how your hand slipped into mine sometimes while you snored louder than me.


Thanks for teaching me that it's okay to be myself, but I still can't hold my own hand while I sleep. Trust me, I've tried.

Home

There is really NOTHING better than sitting on my bed with both windows open, watching my curtains blow in the breeze and feeling it on my feet while I read.

Seriously. It is the best, I have required a cross-breeze since I was five years old, living in a dorm with one window for four years was torture.

Let's hear it for the cross-breeze! YAY air!



Also, natural light is the best. Screw lightbulbs.





......................................................................heh. heh. get it?

Things that are Difficult to Realize

1. I do not care about monetary success, but without money I can't do the things I want to do (ie. take adventures)
2. I am not, nor will I probably ever be, a funny blogger. Reality sucks.
3. It is difficult to commit to only one project at a time.
4. Nothing is like a band-aid, that analogy sucks and does not really work.
5. Sometimes it is okay to do nothing all day long. Productivity does not have to be an all the time every day thing.


Probably other things too but this is what I've got so far. Whatever I'm over the whole thing

adventure photos

Maybe I am more sensitive to the topic right now and that is why I have been noticing all the adventurous photos put up on Facebook by kids my age now. It seems like everyone has the "on a mountain" "in a large field" "next to an exotic animal" "jumping off a waterfall" picture that you know really means "I did study abroad and didn't learn anything for 5 months but did some pretty awesome shit and spent a lot of money". I am clearly bitter about it. Probably because if I were to take the "adventure I'm on right now" photos, the album would include profiles of all my coworkers, of course, images of me standing atop the copy machines I have tackled this summer, the dark office I have survived like crawling through a dark flooded cave, my sunshiney room as a huge field of freedom and portraits of my family sitting around the dinner table - obviously in comparison to the "we did thanksgiving dinner together in a different country and made our own traditions" image from study abroad.

Ahh the parody never ends.

Off to tame the wild beasts of my backyard now, erm, I mean, read in my backyard next to a wasps nest whilst swatting at them.

Sweet sweet post-grad life.