new orleans

i regret not going to new orleans. especially now when i don't think i can use the ticket. and time is running out. but when i think about how good it could have been i regret it more and maybe sometimes i think i caused you to regress into yourself rather than keep growing into the great spectacular person i know you can be. maybe the point is that you have to find that person without me though. and i have to find a way to not hope people are what i see inside them and to accept them for who they are right now. maybe that's the point.


regardless, it would have been fun.

different

what a difference a couple hours can make.

i feel broken and weird and just kind of lost. i need a paycheck and to stop spending money. i need things to get easier and not harder. i want to not feel like crying and that i should just abandon lease and move back home. and i also want to stop kicking myself for feeling those things. why am i such a little wussy baby?

i miss my person. i miss being able to pick up the phone and talk about bullshit nothing for hours with j and not get bored even though he's not the best and even though there was a lot of hurt between us, i still want that voice on the other end of the phone telling me about something silly and making me forget just for a little bit about wanting to cry. it just digs right in, knowing that my person is so far, when i hear and see s and a together. i'm so glad they are happy, so so so glad, but i too want that person who gets what i'm saying before i even say it. thailand is too far.

Garage Band and that Fateful Moment

Everytime I attempt Garageband I give up about half an hour into the endeavor. OH my Gargoyles I just can't figure it out. FOREAL. Which is a little dismaying because I like to consider myself pretty savvy on a computer and I played two instruments for 10 years each but computer instruments are not the same at all.

When we were younger we had this Tarzan computer game that had a pretty rudimentary version of garageband on it called trashin the camp or something like that and you had different keystrokes for different monkeys holding drums and jugs and instruments like that. It was easy but I mean it was also created for children.

The point is I would love to be in a band, or make my own music, but I am hitting a slight tiny road block called "I can't figure this shit out!" I hate to say it but I may resort to singing over tracks on youtube ... no no no I'm just kidding, hahaha wasn't that funny!? That will never happen. Only in my car and non-recordable will that happen.

I'd really really love to create something soon though and I'd really love to have friends who want to create some kind of big project with me too. I just want to get my hands dirty and paint or explore somewhere and take some photos.

Yeah yeah yeah. Let's do that.

Awful

Do you know about this horrible thing called love?

It's been the driving force for music, art, writing, poetry, desires and maybe life sometimes since forever. Everyone knows about it so don't even try to kid and say you don't.

It's the worst. The problem is it's also the best.

I love my friends and I love my art, my writing, I LOVE my books and could be in a relationship with them for the rest of my life if only they had arms to cuddle and voices to respond or laugh at my bad jokes and stupid little goofs.

Maybe the problem is I love love, I love relationships, I love caring about people. I love having a relationship where two people care about each other and support one another and introduce each other to new things. I am thrilled at the possibility of new people but I also like familiar, comfortable people who just want to sit together on a couch and joke around and smile together.


I like alone but I also love together.

Hating love is a lot like loving it I think. It's hard. I'm sad I left my painting stuff in Buffalo because right now I would like to paint and get messy. Maybe I will draw instead. draw out all these thoughts.


Oh good thing I have friends that I love, a life without that would be a sad one indeed.

ARMS

This band is my favorite band right now. they are so so so great. It's like a big warm fleecy hug when you're outside in crisp fall air and holding a mug of hot tea and then getting warm enough to dance around. Really, that's what they sound like. Sometimes I wish I could type sounds, because you have to listen to it and make your own connection to get it. It's beyond delightful though.

Here's their myspace, seriously, check it out. you will fall in love. http://www.myspace.com/armsongs

ARMS! please please please come to Columbus! PUH lease. They also have a remix of their song heat and hot water which is pretty wonderful. It takes their mellow but dancey sound and makes it more party-friendly.


love love love.

Huh

I guess I should change the title of my blog ... since I'm no longer living with my parents but I'm not too sure what to name it. Adventures of a Grown-Up? HM...


I have been kind of weird lately. It's strange moving into a new place and trying to call it home in two weeks. It's cool, I love my apartment and I got a bike, it's a blue Schwinn from the 70s that says "varsity" on it ... yeah. And I've been going on interviews. But I still feel strange and dirty and used from the interview I went on yesterday. It was for this company called The Art Connection and it's basically a door to door salesperson for art that you'd find in a furniture store, and buckeye art of course. I felt like they took advantage of people who didn't have a lot of money to begin with, and they lied and weaseled their way into a place and then took as much money as they could from these people. Also during the interview they didn't ask me one thing about me, not one thing about who I am and what I can do nor did they during the day-long shadow interview even allow me to try it to see if I'd be good at it! I'm sure I could have done this, I love talking to people. But the capacity that I love talking to people in is more like getting to know you and then helping you succeed at something rather than sucking money out of you.


I could just really use a hug and some more testosterone in my life. I love that I live with Alex and Sarah, they are wonderful. But I miss Yohn's approach to things rather than touchy-feely let's talk about it, more like "Drink a beer you'll be fine" and I miss Homo's dancing to the same song over and over and over and over again. It's good that I have who I have for roommates I just miss having other people down the hall ... I guess that's what it is to not be in college anymore, the accessibility of friends is squashed. I want to make new friends though and tonight Brendan will be here and I think we'll go see Olivia! So that will be delightful. I need to clean up a bit downstairs I think and then go to the store maybe I don't know I guess that can wait until Brendan gets here, we'll see. Tomorrow we are having a pumpkin party. Carving pumpkins and drinking cider.


Okay roommates just woke up. see yaaaaa wouldn't want to be ya

COLUMBUS!

I have moved to columbus and am no longer living in my parents' nest! I have my own and it's still a mess with boxes everywhere but we're getting it moved in soon ...


So you should come to visit! and we will play! yay!