the best conversations

I have this friend. We talk and have some of the greatest conversations. He helps me figure out what is real and what is not.

we talked about me being unreasonable. here's the thing, it's not good to blow off friends and i would have understood! I would have said yes okay wonderful great have so much fun! But only if I had known earlier, it is not nice to tell someone late at night that you cannot hang out with them because you are with your friends. I'm not in the market for getting hurt. I've already been there deep down inside it and I'm good, I'm pretty full up of all the hurt I can handle for this life.

We talked about what I want in a person. I said this: someone who wants to be with me, and thinks i'm great and likes even just sitting around because we can be funny together but also is interested in adventures

and my friend said "that's it?" and I said "kind of, but no, more like this: someone funny and smart, with dark corners that take a while to discover, and a big big smile who kisses me without hesitation"

he didn't know what dark corners meant. I tried to explain but those secrets, it's hard to tell someone what they are. The little moments when noses are touching on a pillow and sometimes your hand can reach up and grab my jaw and then there it is the secret escapes and I say something like "oh no I can't believe I said that to you already" and he says "it's okay it means you trust me, that's good. I'm trustworthy I promise" and I say "okay" but I think "oh no. oh no. what if this is the end and he uses it against me?" and then eventually I'll find out one way or another if he's going to use it against me or if he's going to hold it locked up inside his ventricles and atria so hidden inside those cavern walls surrounded by the rhythmic pulse of life flowing around it.


I think I had such a strong connection with J for so long that now everything is compared to that and nothing is ever that again ever so now I'm confused about what dating is supposed to be. I don't really know how to do it and I keep looking for someone who will just love me as much a J did or does, I don't know, someone who will be comfortable but comfort doesn't just crop up like that, it happens later so much later. We had years to find comfort. YEARS. The other night W said "we're too young to have been in a relationship for 6 years" and I said "I know, it was on and off, but I know." Too young to have so much big experience.


I would love to find someone who's as screwed up as I am.