i want to look into you and say: "I'm sorry, this is who i am, i sabotage shit because i'm more afraid of commitment than you are and sometimes, no mostofthetime, i ruin really good things outoffearoftheunknown. I overreact. a lot. I exaggerate and I cry because I'm not sure how to deal with these feelings, this unknown thing, I hate the place where it's so unsure and unknown and I feel like there are things you owe me but there aren't at all, you owe me nothing, except occasionally a kiss, i'll take that, thanks. Look. i'm sorry. I am, I am really sorry. Here's the difference between dating for one month and dating for four, it's the same difference as "I won't sleep with other people" and "I don't want to sleep with other people." Are you starting to see where I'm coming from? I just wanted to know, I think I deserve to know, just to have a little heads up from you saying you were busy. That's it. I just needed an "I'll be busy later" and everything would be absolutely cool as a cucumber. I'm confused because it hurt me, and I care, and I feel stupid for caring and I don't think I should feel stupid for caring.
But I can't really say that to you right now because you don't want to talk to me, or rather I told you I didnt' want to talk to you and you are honoring that. Maybe giving me time to cool off. Why are you so level headed? Why are you so accepting? Maybe this time will be the time you aren't. Maybe I have ruined it. I think I've been trying to ruin it for a while now and you haven't let me. I think I have a problem with letting people get in, close to me, closer at least.
My heart hurts like it's been stretched apart and pulled until it can't take it, like taffy although unlike taffy my heart cannot pull forever with strain and no breakage. i am not elastic or flexible like that. it hurts. and it pulls. and i don't want to care, i never wanted to care this much, but here i am caring, and it feels stupid, i feel stupid, and i don't think i should feel stupid for caring at all.
crying would feel better. maybe.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
is it me
I don't even know why I care, I mean, I guess I care because I feel like I care about him. I shouldn't be in this position again, hurt and crying over someone else. How do I get here, always? It must be me, since I am the least common denominator or is it greatest common factor? Either way, I'm it. I do over react. I do get crazy. But don't get my hopes up, don't make me think that I can put hopes in you, can trust in you, and then completely blow that. Don't act like I'm something more to you and then act like I'm just someone passing through your life. I am not bullshit. I am the least bullshit ever. Take me seriously. I deserve to be let in, I have earned the right to be let in.
My patience is wearing thin and I think it might be time to move on and away. I don't know what to do. My heart doesn't deserve this recklessness.
My patience is wearing thin and I think it might be time to move on and away. I don't know what to do. My heart doesn't deserve this recklessness.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
lakes
"What is it about being submerged in water that's so alluring?" you asked me while slipping down into your lake-blanket until you had a hood. You looked like a fish under the surface, your eyes like glossed pebbles rippled in the sunlight's reflection. As you resurfaced I clamored in the back of my mind for an answer to give you.
"I think it's something having to do with the womb. Like how we were submerged in that goop stuff for nine months so we crave it?" I feel uneasy around you, like walking in light-up sneakers again after three hours of roller skating at Johnny's birthday party in fifth grade.
"Goop, gross." And you dunked yourself again in a crystal layer. When you come back up it drips off your skin like melted wax rolling down a candle. Coated in the lake, you glisten. Skin so dewey I could drink you.
...i was thinking about lakes and swimming and felt like playing with character androgyny
"I think it's something having to do with the womb. Like how we were submerged in that goop stuff for nine months so we crave it?" I feel uneasy around you, like walking in light-up sneakers again after three hours of roller skating at Johnny's birthday party in fifth grade.
"Goop, gross." And you dunked yourself again in a crystal layer. When you come back up it drips off your skin like melted wax rolling down a candle. Coated in the lake, you glisten. Skin so dewey I could drink you.
...i was thinking about lakes and swimming and felt like playing with character androgyny
Saturday, February 5, 2011
vintagemagictrunk
if only i owned a magic trunk full of amazing clothes that i could just jump into and pop out all dressed and adorable. if only. if only.
i need to go through my closet soon. let me know if you need any dresses, i'm sure to be getting rid of quite a few.
i need to go through my closet soon. let me know if you need any dresses, i'm sure to be getting rid of quite a few.
TUT
Dear Universe,
You've been sending me e-mails recently, well, every day for a couple months now. I feel rude because I haven't sent one back yet. Here's the thing, I'm not so sure how to contact you, there's no reply address on the email. So what I've decided to do is to just write this out and send it to the great expanse, the world wide web. The thing that really rattles me though is what if you don't get it because clearly you are not part of the world? Being larger than the world, will you get it?
Oh, conundrum. Here's what I'd like to send out to you though universe: I really appreciate the amazing people you've led me to lately and the incredible opportunities. I really really really appreciate the affirmation that writing is not a hobby for me, it is something I can really do. I love that I have a great job with great people, thanks for putting me here to get to it. And thank you for the things I think are bad too, the things that hurt and make me mad because I think I'm stronger now.
Can I ask you for a few things now? I'm going to put my desires out to you in hopes that they will happen, you know this law of attraction thing? I'd really love to live in a great apartment in a great location by myself, I really want to find something good. I know patience is a virtue, I just don't possess much of it. It's better to be honest right? A full time job would also be incredible so I can easily pay for said apartment. I know money isn't happiness but money makes things easier sometimes and right now easy would be good. Maybe help me fix my schedule? I'm panicking about it even though I know I shouldn't.
Oh well. Thanks for everything universe, you've been pretty great to me so far. Much appreciated.
You've been sending me e-mails recently, well, every day for a couple months now. I feel rude because I haven't sent one back yet. Here's the thing, I'm not so sure how to contact you, there's no reply address on the email. So what I've decided to do is to just write this out and send it to the great expanse, the world wide web. The thing that really rattles me though is what if you don't get it because clearly you are not part of the world? Being larger than the world, will you get it?
Oh, conundrum. Here's what I'd like to send out to you though universe: I really appreciate the amazing people you've led me to lately and the incredible opportunities. I really really really appreciate the affirmation that writing is not a hobby for me, it is something I can really do. I love that I have a great job with great people, thanks for putting me here to get to it. And thank you for the things I think are bad too, the things that hurt and make me mad because I think I'm stronger now.
Can I ask you for a few things now? I'm going to put my desires out to you in hopes that they will happen, you know this law of attraction thing? I'd really love to live in a great apartment in a great location by myself, I really want to find something good. I know patience is a virtue, I just don't possess much of it. It's better to be honest right? A full time job would also be incredible so I can easily pay for said apartment. I know money isn't happiness but money makes things easier sometimes and right now easy would be good. Maybe help me fix my schedule? I'm panicking about it even though I know I shouldn't.
Oh well. Thanks for everything universe, you've been pretty great to me so far. Much appreciated.
best present at present
the best gift i ever could or have received is my mother's pride. knowing she's bursting with it, about me, and telling her friends with a puffed chest makes me the happiest. it's better than any piece or token bought. feeling like i have made them happy, proud, fulfilled their beliefs in me, it makes me feel like i did my job as daughter. providing the truth to their ruthless and soaring belief in me, that i can do everything i dream of doing. i'm pretty lucky to have parents that are behind me and lift me up so much. they really are my biggest fans and cheerleaders as cliche as that cliche is, it's true. i'm sorry it has taken me until now to realize how lucky i am. is it weird that my family has become my team, my best friends?
"love love is going to lead you by the hand." love has always led me by the hand, gave me the nudge and courage and then the push out to do it, and the backing off so i can do it myself and the proud happy voice on the other end of the phone saying "i knew you could. I've known you're great all along, now other people will know too."
making them happy makes me happy
"love love is going to lead you by the hand." love has always led me by the hand, gave me the nudge and courage and then the push out to do it, and the backing off so i can do it myself and the proud happy voice on the other end of the phone saying "i knew you could. I've known you're great all along, now other people will know too."
making them happy makes me happy
Friday, February 4, 2011
published
Guess who's gonna be published!? This girl. a local Columbus magazine is doing a feature on me, with a bio and photo and everything ... eeps! I'll be sure to grab a bunch once it comes out to show off my fame, of course.
I'm on cloud 9 right now. nothing can ruin my day. Seriously, I put one email out there into the world, made a new friend, am getting published and have potential freelance jobs opening up to me.
The world is my oyster, I'm the pearl. Who says you can't call yourself a princess? Now I need to go break the news to my kiddies that I'll be leaving in two weeks and sticking around to do community circle. I think they'll take it alright. I hope. Kids are resilient right?
It doesn't even matter. I can barely feel my limbs I'm so excited - yeah, I know right? Ridiculous but true. I'm all tingly and in love. I forgot about it, this feeling, this love love love of writing. I keep ignoring it but the point is it's part of me so deep, it's in my veins, and if something comes that easily to you, is such a challenge at the same time, why stop that love affair? Why call it quits because one of you can't commit all the time? Isn't the chase the best part? I've been chasing writing since I was seven and I'm not bored yet, I don't think I'll ever be.
Hello, Filigree, hello new friend, and opportunities. Hello life that I always knew I could have.
I'm on cloud 9 right now. nothing can ruin my day. Seriously, I put one email out there into the world, made a new friend, am getting published and have potential freelance jobs opening up to me.
The world is my oyster, I'm the pearl. Who says you can't call yourself a princess? Now I need to go break the news to my kiddies that I'll be leaving in two weeks and sticking around to do community circle. I think they'll take it alright. I hope. Kids are resilient right?
It doesn't even matter. I can barely feel my limbs I'm so excited - yeah, I know right? Ridiculous but true. I'm all tingly and in love. I forgot about it, this feeling, this love love love of writing. I keep ignoring it but the point is it's part of me so deep, it's in my veins, and if something comes that easily to you, is such a challenge at the same time, why stop that love affair? Why call it quits because one of you can't commit all the time? Isn't the chase the best part? I've been chasing writing since I was seven and I'm not bored yet, I don't think I'll ever be.
Hello, Filigree, hello new friend, and opportunities. Hello life that I always knew I could have.
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