Friday, October 29, 2010
Possibility
Listen to this song. LISTEN TO IT. preferably with headphones in or with the volume so loud it's the only thing you can hear. I swear it will get inside you and fill you up with wind.
It makes me see myself differently and the world around me. I am such a sucker for beautiful emotional things that other people find stupid and cliche and too emotional. I don't know if it's just me or if it's a writer thing, like because as writers we're so intuitive to the people and things and situations around us that we prefer these emotional things that make us feel less alone in our hyper-feeling worlds.
I don't know but it's something I don't and to grow out of or give up, it feels too good when I have it the right way and feeling bad doesn't even mean anything
Thursday, October 28, 2010
goodmorning and goodnight
There's this website that I love called goodmorningandgoodnight.com and sometimes at just the right moments I stumble on the most appropriate and perfect quote on there. I found this one this evening while waiting like a dumbass, yet again, waiting, for someone to show up and realizing that it's just time to let go of whatever I think should be reality or ways to show caring and just accept that other people see it differently and see love and the world and life and interactions differently, and it's not bad it just is reality, it just is. I need to stop projecting my beliefs and practices and decisions about how things should be onto other people and just let other people be who they are and who they decide to be and act the way they want and it's not the way I would act, nor the way I would want to be loved or in the way I would expect mostly to be cared for, but it's their way and that way is right to them and the way they expect to be loved and cared for and that just is how it is because everyone is different.
http://www.goodmorningandgoodnight.com/?p=984
That's the link to the quote but here is the actual quote:
“Because, that’s the thing about love, really. No one will love you how you want to be loved, they’ll love you in the only ways they know how. Life throws everyone down drastically different paths so how can we expect everyone to love in the same way? The person you’ll spend your lifetime with will love you in their way and you’ll love in yours, and maybe you’ll meet in the middle and it’ll last. None of us know what we’re doing, you see, we’re just fumbling for matches in the dark. If you’re lucky, you might eventually just strike the right one.”
I assume because there is no "speaker" at the end that it is an anonymous quote or unknown author. But it is profound, at least to me.
http://www.goodmorningandgoodnight.com/?p=984
That's the link to the quote but here is the actual quote:
“Because, that’s the thing about love, really. No one will love you how you want to be loved, they’ll love you in the only ways they know how. Life throws everyone down drastically different paths so how can we expect everyone to love in the same way? The person you’ll spend your lifetime with will love you in their way and you’ll love in yours, and maybe you’ll meet in the middle and it’ll last. None of us know what we’re doing, you see, we’re just fumbling for matches in the dark. If you’re lucky, you might eventually just strike the right one.”
I assume because there is no "speaker" at the end that it is an anonymous quote or unknown author. But it is profound, at least to me.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
everything really is going to be alright
I think it took a while, but finally settling in is happening and this is indeed my home.
Hopefully a job is around the corner.
"I am a dotted line and you fill me up with whatever you like." deertick is pretty great.
And Lykke Li does an awesome remix of "Will you Still Love me Tomorrow" you should listen to it.
Maybe, just maybe, sometime soon I will begin my writing once again, something coherent and real not just little babbles.
Hopefully a job is around the corner.
"I am a dotted line and you fill me up with whatever you like." deertick is pretty great.
And Lykke Li does an awesome remix of "Will you Still Love me Tomorrow" you should listen to it.
Maybe, just maybe, sometime soon I will begin my writing once again, something coherent and real not just little babbles.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
What's Going On?
I'd like to know what happened a year and a half ago that spurred this series of horrible events in the lives of people around me? Was there some kind of cosmic shift?
I'm so sick of seeing sad people, and consoling friends and family and myself. I'm so sick of it and so sick of dealing with all these bad things happening to such wonderful people.
What's going on world? Preparing for something big? Care to clue us in?
I'm so sick of seeing sad people, and consoling friends and family and myself. I'm so sick of it and so sick of dealing with all these bad things happening to such wonderful people.
What's going on world? Preparing for something big? Care to clue us in?
Monday, October 25, 2010
Death - Something new
I have been writing this for about two days but it is still a rough draft, idea. I don't really know what I'm doing with it but my writing needs some focus. Maybe I'll do something with death, some kind of creative non-fiction memoir from my perspective after death. I don't know. We'll see. Ideas ideas. Please let me know what you think, I desperately need criticism.
Death, it seems is everywhere lately whispering its chilling breath into the ears of the most undeserving. I looked out of the car window at the clouds, which pulled apart slowly like cotton candy, wishing to stick together still. Liz had just texted me asking about her outfit for the viewing. She worried if pants or a dress were appropriate and which sweater would go best with it and if it was alright that she felt ignored by her boyfriend who’s brother had just died. Before I could answer she had texted another question. Pants, dark purple sweater, and no.
I have become the go-to person for death. Sometimes I feel like I reek of black clothing and somber thoughts. All my life there has been a cloud of depth surrounding me. It hides all the parts you know are there but you don’t really want to know are there. Hides them in plain sight, you know the strange dark places exist because the cloud is there to cover them. I don’t put up walls but instead a steam of intimidating sobering self that seeps into little places and cracks open your curiosity and right when it’s too late you are intrigued and want to help. The thing is, me and the cloud got it covered. We’re all good, at least we want to be and I know you want to help but I’m not going to let you. I never understood what it was about those parts of me that were so interesting to other people and men in particular. There’s something about darkness, something about hidden secrets that will probably never come out unless your cheek has lines in it from laying on my pillow all night and it is late in the afternoon and we are still under the covers while it rains outside. And even then I will try to hide my dark places.
Death acts the same way, hides right there in plain sight and lingers long enough for us to curiously prod it into some kind of submission but it never gives in. Hiding all its dark places in whimsy and clouds and brighter places, but we know better. The covered up spots make death more intriguing and we want to dig our hands deep into the sand of it all and discover there’s water under there. But the sand keeps sliding back down into the hole. We’ll never make it all the way to China like we tried when we were five on the beach in Florida. We weren’t even on the right degrees of longitude but it didn’t matter. We kept trying and deep in there somewhere we realized looking for it wasn’t going to help. Looking for the reasons why and how and what to do when death slides its way into our lives and takes up residence like a stranger who sits at the kitchen table every morning and stares while we prepare the coffee will result in longer stares. Death will beat us, wear us down until we choose to not look anymore, choose to stop paying attention.
When you stop prodding me and curiously attempting to discover what I have hidden under my skin, what I have embedded so deep into my heart that you have to crack it open like an egg to see it slide out like the yolk, then I will show you. Maybe. Death and I like to see what you’ve got. Prove your worthiness. We need to know that you can handle it before we show you what there is in the dark places.
Death, it seems is everywhere lately whispering its chilling breath into the ears of the most undeserving. I looked out of the car window at the clouds, which pulled apart slowly like cotton candy, wishing to stick together still. Liz had just texted me asking about her outfit for the viewing. She worried if pants or a dress were appropriate and which sweater would go best with it and if it was alright that she felt ignored by her boyfriend who’s brother had just died. Before I could answer she had texted another question. Pants, dark purple sweater, and no.
I have become the go-to person for death. Sometimes I feel like I reek of black clothing and somber thoughts. All my life there has been a cloud of depth surrounding me. It hides all the parts you know are there but you don’t really want to know are there. Hides them in plain sight, you know the strange dark places exist because the cloud is there to cover them. I don’t put up walls but instead a steam of intimidating sobering self that seeps into little places and cracks open your curiosity and right when it’s too late you are intrigued and want to help. The thing is, me and the cloud got it covered. We’re all good, at least we want to be and I know you want to help but I’m not going to let you. I never understood what it was about those parts of me that were so interesting to other people and men in particular. There’s something about darkness, something about hidden secrets that will probably never come out unless your cheek has lines in it from laying on my pillow all night and it is late in the afternoon and we are still under the covers while it rains outside. And even then I will try to hide my dark places.
Death acts the same way, hides right there in plain sight and lingers long enough for us to curiously prod it into some kind of submission but it never gives in. Hiding all its dark places in whimsy and clouds and brighter places, but we know better. The covered up spots make death more intriguing and we want to dig our hands deep into the sand of it all and discover there’s water under there. But the sand keeps sliding back down into the hole. We’ll never make it all the way to China like we tried when we were five on the beach in Florida. We weren’t even on the right degrees of longitude but it didn’t matter. We kept trying and deep in there somewhere we realized looking for it wasn’t going to help. Looking for the reasons why and how and what to do when death slides its way into our lives and takes up residence like a stranger who sits at the kitchen table every morning and stares while we prepare the coffee will result in longer stares. Death will beat us, wear us down until we choose to not look anymore, choose to stop paying attention.
When you stop prodding me and curiously attempting to discover what I have hidden under my skin, what I have embedded so deep into my heart that you have to crack it open like an egg to see it slide out like the yolk, then I will show you. Maybe. Death and I like to see what you’ve got. Prove your worthiness. We need to know that you can handle it before we show you what there is in the dark places.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Reconnection
Here's to finding support in the strangest of places.
A boy I knew in middle and high school who intimidated the crap out of me with his confidence and some kind of strange good looks accidentally messaged me on facebook. At first my reaction was like "no thank you, I don't want to have a conversation where I try to condense the last 5 years of my life into 60 words for you" but I did. And I'm so glad I did! We talked about writing, and he's going to school for journalism after some rocky years figuring it out and we connected on something real in both of our lives that I never expected we had because I always thought of him as someone shallow just looking for a little bit of nothing. It takes a lot for me to get to that place of giving up on someone but after a lot of years of knowing this person vicariously as a sixth degree separation friend I gave up. AND I SHOULDN'T HAVE. there is a real person in there, a real person who knows real shit and cares more about other things and is so honest. I can't really believe we're having a conversation right now that sounds like friends talking. It's pretty weird but really enforces that whimsical faith in people that I had when I was younger.
Sometimes I just really love people a lot. I really love humans.
On another note, last night was our housewarming party and it was so great. There were lots of people and fun and friends and blah blah blah. Fun. I'm glad we know the people we do.
A boy I knew in middle and high school who intimidated the crap out of me with his confidence and some kind of strange good looks accidentally messaged me on facebook. At first my reaction was like "no thank you, I don't want to have a conversation where I try to condense the last 5 years of my life into 60 words for you" but I did. And I'm so glad I did! We talked about writing, and he's going to school for journalism after some rocky years figuring it out and we connected on something real in both of our lives that I never expected we had because I always thought of him as someone shallow just looking for a little bit of nothing. It takes a lot for me to get to that place of giving up on someone but after a lot of years of knowing this person vicariously as a sixth degree separation friend I gave up. AND I SHOULDN'T HAVE. there is a real person in there, a real person who knows real shit and cares more about other things and is so honest. I can't really believe we're having a conversation right now that sounds like friends talking. It's pretty weird but really enforces that whimsical faith in people that I had when I was younger.
Sometimes I just really love people a lot. I really love humans.
On another note, last night was our housewarming party and it was so great. There were lots of people and fun and friends and blah blah blah. Fun. I'm glad we know the people we do.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Halloween
Hey mom, remember when we made these? http://mssinglemama.com/2010/10/11/halloween-craft-boo-ghosts/#comments We did it in the dining room on the table and I think we stuffed the heads with cotton balls and used tissues for the ghost body. I remember it, it was a great great time. I still have that feeling that I remember from those moments, like how you suggested we do it together and it was something special for just us and you wanted to spend time with me doing this new thing. Thanks for being my mom
London
I think today I decided I have to figure out how to get back to London. I forgot that I love it, and I was reminded this morning. Maybe I can do some kind of work there or maybe WWOOF ... MAYBE they have some kind of urban farm that I can work on - that would be the coolest.
I just want to be in the same city as big ben. I feel like the three weeks I had there just weren't enough, it was a small little taste and yeah while I did get homesick while I was there I think the main reason was because I missed J and now that I am fancy-free it might be easier to be there all on my lonesome. It might just be what I need. Too bad it will have to wait until at least August, but that's alright - it will give me ample planning time.
I just want to be in the same city as big ben. I feel like the three weeks I had there just weren't enough, it was a small little taste and yeah while I did get homesick while I was there I think the main reason was because I missed J and now that I am fancy-free it might be easier to be there all on my lonesome. It might just be what I need. Too bad it will have to wait until at least August, but that's alright - it will give me ample planning time.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
new orleans
i regret not going to new orleans. especially now when i don't think i can use the ticket. and time is running out. but when i think about how good it could have been i regret it more and maybe sometimes i think i caused you to regress into yourself rather than keep growing into the great spectacular person i know you can be. maybe the point is that you have to find that person without me though. and i have to find a way to not hope people are what i see inside them and to accept them for who they are right now. maybe that's the point.
regardless, it would have been fun.
regardless, it would have been fun.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
different
what a difference a couple hours can make.
i feel broken and weird and just kind of lost. i need a paycheck and to stop spending money. i need things to get easier and not harder. i want to not feel like crying and that i should just abandon lease and move back home. and i also want to stop kicking myself for feeling those things. why am i such a little wussy baby?
i miss my person. i miss being able to pick up the phone and talk about bullshit nothing for hours with j and not get bored even though he's not the best and even though there was a lot of hurt between us, i still want that voice on the other end of the phone telling me about something silly and making me forget just for a little bit about wanting to cry. it just digs right in, knowing that my person is so far, when i hear and see s and a together. i'm so glad they are happy, so so so glad, but i too want that person who gets what i'm saying before i even say it. thailand is too far.
i feel broken and weird and just kind of lost. i need a paycheck and to stop spending money. i need things to get easier and not harder. i want to not feel like crying and that i should just abandon lease and move back home. and i also want to stop kicking myself for feeling those things. why am i such a little wussy baby?
i miss my person. i miss being able to pick up the phone and talk about bullshit nothing for hours with j and not get bored even though he's not the best and even though there was a lot of hurt between us, i still want that voice on the other end of the phone telling me about something silly and making me forget just for a little bit about wanting to cry. it just digs right in, knowing that my person is so far, when i hear and see s and a together. i'm so glad they are happy, so so so glad, but i too want that person who gets what i'm saying before i even say it. thailand is too far.
Garage Band and that Fateful Moment
Everytime I attempt Garageband I give up about half an hour into the endeavor. OH my Gargoyles I just can't figure it out. FOREAL. Which is a little dismaying because I like to consider myself pretty savvy on a computer and I played two instruments for 10 years each but computer instruments are not the same at all.
When we were younger we had this Tarzan computer game that had a pretty rudimentary version of garageband on it called trashin the camp or something like that and you had different keystrokes for different monkeys holding drums and jugs and instruments like that. It was easy but I mean it was also created for children.
The point is I would love to be in a band, or make my own music, but I am hitting a slight tiny road block called "I can't figure this shit out!" I hate to say it but I may resort to singing over tracks on youtube ... no no no I'm just kidding, hahaha wasn't that funny!? That will never happen. Only in my car and non-recordable will that happen.
I'd really really love to create something soon though and I'd really love to have friends who want to create some kind of big project with me too. I just want to get my hands dirty and paint or explore somewhere and take some photos.
Yeah yeah yeah. Let's do that.
When we were younger we had this Tarzan computer game that had a pretty rudimentary version of garageband on it called trashin the camp or something like that and you had different keystrokes for different monkeys holding drums and jugs and instruments like that. It was easy but I mean it was also created for children.
The point is I would love to be in a band, or make my own music, but I am hitting a slight tiny road block called "I can't figure this shit out!" I hate to say it but I may resort to singing over tracks on youtube ... no no no I'm just kidding, hahaha wasn't that funny!? That will never happen. Only in my car and non-recordable will that happen.
I'd really really love to create something soon though and I'd really love to have friends who want to create some kind of big project with me too. I just want to get my hands dirty and paint or explore somewhere and take some photos.
Yeah yeah yeah. Let's do that.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Awful
Do you know about this horrible thing called love?
It's been the driving force for music, art, writing, poetry, desires and maybe life sometimes since forever. Everyone knows about it so don't even try to kid and say you don't.
It's the worst. The problem is it's also the best.
I love my friends and I love my art, my writing, I LOVE my books and could be in a relationship with them for the rest of my life if only they had arms to cuddle and voices to respond or laugh at my bad jokes and stupid little goofs.
Maybe the problem is I love love, I love relationships, I love caring about people. I love having a relationship where two people care about each other and support one another and introduce each other to new things. I am thrilled at the possibility of new people but I also like familiar, comfortable people who just want to sit together on a couch and joke around and smile together.
I like alone but I also love together.
Hating love is a lot like loving it I think. It's hard. I'm sad I left my painting stuff in Buffalo because right now I would like to paint and get messy. Maybe I will draw instead. draw out all these thoughts.
Oh good thing I have friends that I love, a life without that would be a sad one indeed.
It's been the driving force for music, art, writing, poetry, desires and maybe life sometimes since forever. Everyone knows about it so don't even try to kid and say you don't.
It's the worst. The problem is it's also the best.
I love my friends and I love my art, my writing, I LOVE my books and could be in a relationship with them for the rest of my life if only they had arms to cuddle and voices to respond or laugh at my bad jokes and stupid little goofs.
Maybe the problem is I love love, I love relationships, I love caring about people. I love having a relationship where two people care about each other and support one another and introduce each other to new things. I am thrilled at the possibility of new people but I also like familiar, comfortable people who just want to sit together on a couch and joke around and smile together.
I like alone but I also love together.
Hating love is a lot like loving it I think. It's hard. I'm sad I left my painting stuff in Buffalo because right now I would like to paint and get messy. Maybe I will draw instead. draw out all these thoughts.
Oh good thing I have friends that I love, a life without that would be a sad one indeed.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
ARMS
This band is my favorite band right now. they are so so so great. It's like a big warm fleecy hug when you're outside in crisp fall air and holding a mug of hot tea and then getting warm enough to dance around. Really, that's what they sound like. Sometimes I wish I could type sounds, because you have to listen to it and make your own connection to get it. It's beyond delightful though.
Here's their myspace, seriously, check it out. you will fall in love. http://www.myspace.com/armsongs
ARMS! please please please come to Columbus! PUH lease. They also have a remix of their song heat and hot water which is pretty wonderful. It takes their mellow but dancey sound and makes it more party-friendly.
love love love.
Here's their myspace, seriously, check it out. you will fall in love. http://www.myspace.com/armsongs
ARMS! please please please come to Columbus! PUH lease. They also have a remix of their song heat and hot water which is pretty wonderful. It takes their mellow but dancey sound and makes it more party-friendly.
love love love.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Huh
I guess I should change the title of my blog ... since I'm no longer living with my parents but I'm not too sure what to name it. Adventures of a Grown-Up? HM...
I have been kind of weird lately. It's strange moving into a new place and trying to call it home in two weeks. It's cool, I love my apartment and I got a bike, it's a blue Schwinn from the 70s that says "varsity" on it ... yeah. And I've been going on interviews. But I still feel strange and dirty and used from the interview I went on yesterday. It was for this company called The Art Connection and it's basically a door to door salesperson for art that you'd find in a furniture store, and buckeye art of course. I felt like they took advantage of people who didn't have a lot of money to begin with, and they lied and weaseled their way into a place and then took as much money as they could from these people. Also during the interview they didn't ask me one thing about me, not one thing about who I am and what I can do nor did they during the day-long shadow interview even allow me to try it to see if I'd be good at it! I'm sure I could have done this, I love talking to people. But the capacity that I love talking to people in is more like getting to know you and then helping you succeed at something rather than sucking money out of you.
I could just really use a hug and some more testosterone in my life. I love that I live with Alex and Sarah, they are wonderful. But I miss Yohn's approach to things rather than touchy-feely let's talk about it, more like "Drink a beer you'll be fine" and I miss Homo's dancing to the same song over and over and over and over again. It's good that I have who I have for roommates I just miss having other people down the hall ... I guess that's what it is to not be in college anymore, the accessibility of friends is squashed. I want to make new friends though and tonight Brendan will be here and I think we'll go see Olivia! So that will be delightful. I need to clean up a bit downstairs I think and then go to the store maybe I don't know I guess that can wait until Brendan gets here, we'll see. Tomorrow we are having a pumpkin party. Carving pumpkins and drinking cider.
Okay roommates just woke up. see yaaaaa wouldn't want to be ya
I have been kind of weird lately. It's strange moving into a new place and trying to call it home in two weeks. It's cool, I love my apartment and I got a bike, it's a blue Schwinn from the 70s that says "varsity" on it ... yeah. And I've been going on interviews. But I still feel strange and dirty and used from the interview I went on yesterday. It was for this company called The Art Connection and it's basically a door to door salesperson for art that you'd find in a furniture store, and buckeye art of course. I felt like they took advantage of people who didn't have a lot of money to begin with, and they lied and weaseled their way into a place and then took as much money as they could from these people. Also during the interview they didn't ask me one thing about me, not one thing about who I am and what I can do nor did they during the day-long shadow interview even allow me to try it to see if I'd be good at it! I'm sure I could have done this, I love talking to people. But the capacity that I love talking to people in is more like getting to know you and then helping you succeed at something rather than sucking money out of you.
I could just really use a hug and some more testosterone in my life. I love that I live with Alex and Sarah, they are wonderful. But I miss Yohn's approach to things rather than touchy-feely let's talk about it, more like "Drink a beer you'll be fine" and I miss Homo's dancing to the same song over and over and over and over again. It's good that I have who I have for roommates I just miss having other people down the hall ... I guess that's what it is to not be in college anymore, the accessibility of friends is squashed. I want to make new friends though and tonight Brendan will be here and I think we'll go see Olivia! So that will be delightful. I need to clean up a bit downstairs I think and then go to the store maybe I don't know I guess that can wait until Brendan gets here, we'll see. Tomorrow we are having a pumpkin party. Carving pumpkins and drinking cider.
Okay roommates just woke up. see yaaaaa wouldn't want to be ya
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
COLUMBUS!
I have moved to columbus and am no longer living in my parents' nest! I have my own and it's still a mess with boxes everywhere but we're getting it moved in soon ...
So you should come to visit! and we will play! yay!
So you should come to visit! and we will play! yay!
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