Sophomoric

I am so utterly confused by how people act sometimes. Earlier today I felt like that 10 year old person, with her soft belly and parted hair and bangs, walking onto the playground looking for someone who would want to hang out until recess was over and finding that everyone had paired up. I was blissfully unaware, or tried to keep myself that way. I think I always knew though. Regardless, that's how I felt this morning. Like everyone else had paired up and left my standing in the small-stone gravel looking from right to left and deciding on a swing, only to be told that that swing had been "called" by someone. It takes me a while to trust people. I have a hard time letting parts of myself go to other people and showing them who I am, but in the spirit of making new friends last semester, I allowed someone to be my close friend and see inside my deepest thoughts. We had, what I thought, was a mutual agreement about confidence and secrets. Today I found out that I was sorely mistaken. This is all about me, "I, I I," after looking at those three above lines I saw how self-centered this is, but that's what a blog is isn't it? Or can be? Whatever. I am upset and hurt because someone that I thought was a new best friend hurt me deeply, cut me to the core, by telling a secret of mine to one person and then to ten, and knowing that somehow of course it would get back to me - took a month, but it did. It's just immature to think that even if someone thought there was an issue between me and someone else, that that person wouldn't just come to be to begin with, instead they chose to spread rumors about me. How hurtful, how immature and how insensitive. Jake kept telling me this morning to just not tell these people anything about myself anymore and that these are only a small representative of humanity and that not all people deserve to be doubted. But that's how I feel, no one deserves my trust unless they've proven it and it was clearly my fault for allowing myself to trust this person with my secrets and self. It's stupid and cynical and doesn't feel good, but it feels self-preserving. Too many people have hurt me. All I can really trust is myself, I guess. And in reality, the only person that I will have forever, for sure, is myself, this body, this person. I guess that's the reality of humanity. I'm in a really low cynical mood right now and this is quite melodramatic, I realize, but it's how I feel and sometimes you just have to get to that bottom point to get to the top and it's just venting right now, which is the purpose of a blog.

I'm writing some new poetry and stories for my project, maybe I'll post them soon.